Parenting in Graduate School
Alternate titles could be Working in Graduate School, Working and Parenting, Momming Hard!
It’s no real secret that I am in graduate school but there is a little bit of shame for me about admitting I am 40 and getting my graduate degree because I “should have” done this at 22 or 25. Why do I feel the shame? Is it society? is it family? is it my own baggage? or the fact that college cost a ton the first time? or maybe that I didn’t even know how to leave the nest of college? My mom died before I went college, I finished high school as a top student but I was a mess. I went to college as an awkward mess and there are lots of details that made it even harder. But I will tell you this, I felt safe learning in brick buildings. Information became my comfort. It likely reminded me that I wasn’t ready to be on my own without any guiding parental advice. In my first year on campus, I rarely left the campus except to maybe go to one of two different coffee shops or a few other outings when friends came to town. Having grown up in a one-horse town, I had no idea how to navigate traffic lights, or traffic on a bike.
Fast-forward all these years later, and when 10 years ago I revealed to my husband my career goals and his response was that he was the worthier investment. D.E.V.A.S.T.A.T.I.N.G , a result that made me feel worthless. I eventually frustrated with the situation and decided I would start making decisions that were good for me. I had at least one job besides parenting when I signed up for graduate school. I’ve had up to four jobs at a time while also being in graduate school, not counting parenting. I currently have three jobs and I am trying to finish my last two classes. And it’s a little easier because my husband is home, so I am free to leave the house and focus on my work from time to time (and I should do it more often), BUT, and it’s a big BUT because the emotional well being of my children matter to me A LOT. I like preparing their dinner and breakfasts (I’ve let go of the lunches because he has no jobs and I figure, it’s something that gives me 20 minutes to shower and get ready for the day). I am certainly going to complain here because you’d think with two people in the house more things would get done, it’s not true. And the consistency of one parent for the children seems easier on everyone. Note, the husband had worked overseas for the last 10 years, except when he’s not working, then he is home and it’s a massive stress fest.
I’d like to say that Elsa says it best. But it is really difficult for me to know the kids might not like their dinner or feel nurtured by his routine. I like having us all sit together and talking about whatever comes up, I think the communing of people and forming community around food is important.
As much as I am torn about losing time with them, I remind myself that a little sacrifice now will mean more time later. Most parents are in deep with work at this time in their life and the children spend 8 to 10 hours at school or in care a day, if not more. We try to connect when the time is available. And there are times when I can really tell they need me more and a paper is put to the side far too long. I try to remind myself that the sacrifice is one that belongs to us all. And that someday, I’ll be working 40 or so hours, but days off will not be spent in a coffee shop deep in work as my kids watch an endless day of youtube videos while my husband plays scrabble on his phone. Clearly this is an area of contention.
Here’s my advice if you decide to go to graduate school as a parent (or a solo parent, or even a single parent).
Work really hard during your available study time
Stay ahead of your school work
Tell everyone you are in graduate school and schedule some playdates for you children (and work really hard while they are out of the house)
Do not use your study time to clean the house (leave your house if you can’t follow this rule)
Schedule a few hours (preferably one full day) a week to connect with your children, have dinner together and remind them that this is a sacrifice you are all making in order to help you reach your goals, but also so that you can provide them a better life, not more stuff, but time. So that you’ll go to work 40 hours while they are at school but that you’ll have a couple of days and evenings together.
Make family time count. Do not try to multitask, you will do neither very well.
